Among the voluminous advice columns to be found on the internet concerning what to take care of before surrendering to prison, almost all advised that a soon-to-be-incarcerated defendant see the dentist before entering lockup. By all accounts, prison dentistry is a nightmare best avoided if possible. I took this sage advice and had my teeth taken care of before my in date.
While I didn’t suffer any major problems while incarcerated, I did chomp on hard bits in the prison food to a) dislodge a cap…and b) lose a filling. The latter took place with just about a month or two left in my sentence. So because there was no pain involved, I saved the job for when I got home. But the cap? That I broke off just a month or two into my bid. So I put a call out to see the dentist. Fortunately, I was experiencing no pain and could tell the crown hadn’t been damaged. All that was required was a simple glue job.
With some diligent chasing, I actually managed to get an appointment with the dentist a month later. Carefully, I had stashed the gold crown (for obvious reasons) and descended to convene with one of the rudest dentists - and one of the most incompetent dental assistants - the world has ever known.
The session started off with the doctor asking me if I had any pain in the tooth. When I assured him I was fine and that the crown had not broken and clearly fit back in the space, he offered two options. “We can either glue the crown back or pull the tooth. Which do you want?”
OMG! Why would I want to pull a tooth which didn’t hurt when I had a perfectly intact gold crown to glue back on? What kind of question was that? When I expressed disdain for option number 2, he was not happy. And it showed.
With our path clear, the assistant then set the head rest so that my noggin was hanging backwards in a position more suited to a hanging than a dental procedure. Within seconds, I developed a severe stiff neck while the dentist wanted to know why the dental tech couldn’t find the correct glue for the job! Yo! This was looking more like a Three Stooges short than a visit to an actual dentist.
No matter. Onward and upward. He could make do with whatever she found. Now it was time to take an x-ray. In 69 years on this planet, I have never once been gagged by a dental assistant taking an x-ray. Until that day. When I almost threw up in her face, the woman looked at me with an accusatory glance rather than apologize for sticking the gizmo so far down my throat that I almost upchucked. I wasn't sure whether I was attending a dental procedure or an audition for a gay version of "Deep Throat."
The dentist proceeded, and a short 45 minutes later, he’d completed a job that would have taken my personal dentist 5 minutes to execute. True, the bite was a tad off. But hey! I had the crown back where it belonged. And I do have to admit that now one year later, it’s still going strong. Kudos there.
For inmates who were stupid enough to surrender without seeing a dentist, it was hard times for sure. MCC actually had a rule that no inmate was to receive a filling until he’d been at the prison for a year! I kid you not. If a prisoner developed a toothache, he had but two options. Ibuprofen for the duration. Or have it pulled. With respect to crowns and root canals, I seriously doubt any of that was available. Though I can’t say for sure as thankfully, I required no work of that nature.
On a related note, I was called down to medical sometime in March or April for what reason I did not know. When I asked, the officer in charge looked puzzled. But then after checking the sheet, he exclaimed “Oh! It’s for glasses. You want a free pair of glasses?” Hey! What the fuck else was I doing? So yeah! I lined up for the glasses.
The eye doctor was a comedian. He checked me out and recommended bifocals, offering one style in two sizes: Chomonator medium or Chomonator large. (The chomonator name had to do with the glasses making all its wearers look like child molesters.)
When I asked when they’d be ready, he wanted to know how long I'd be staycationing. “I’m here till November.” His quip: “They may be here by then - though the party line is 6 to 8 weeks.” Update: I’m still waiting and effectively sans Chomonators - medium or large!
If there’s one thing you want to do before surrendering to prison, it would be to take care of any medical or dental issues which might make a bad situation worse. Thankfully, I managed to not experience anything worse than a stomach ache, cold or busted crown or filling. It was both a matter of luck and personal diligence. I’m just happy that was one bullet I dodged during my yearlong stay.
We have amazingly similar writing careers. I too did a bid for financial fraud, getting out in 1995 with a book "From Behind the Wall" that I had written and had managed to get published while behind bars. I also was, for a time, a Beastie, having written about 80 articles back when Tina Brown was the publisher. I also wrote for "Prison Life" magazine, but I don't think it's around anymore. Best of luck getting yours published.
ReplyDelete