On July 5th, 2018, I was arrested by the State of New York and charged with promotion of prostitution. With my federal sentencing for tax fraud pending, this was of course, bad news.
I had a federal status hearing scheduled for just a few weeks later and no doubt, the State would let the Fed know they'd arrested me - and for what reason. In theory, the State was working independently of the Fed. But you'd have a hard time convincing me that was really the case.
As evidence of my theory, I offer the following: When the IRS agents finished interrogating me and searching my apartment the day of raid # 1, the boys handed me their card and said "If anybody comes looking for you, show them this and let them know we got to you first." Hmm!
My promotion of prostitution charge is generally reserved and intended for either pimps or escort service owners who share or take all of the fee charged each and every time one of their "associates" offers a sexual service. But that wasn't me. I was house photographer and web adviser (I taught the phone girls how to post the new photos on the boss's website) for a big madam - and did not share in the monetary profits. I did get to "see" the girls - if you get my drift. But no money changed hands between me or anybody in the organization.
When the day came to make my appearance before the federal judge, he looked straight at me and said "I take a dim view of pimping" at which point I looked around to see if there was a pimp in the house, only to realize I was the predator to whom he was referring. Several doctoral degrees from Harvard notwithstanding, my judge clearly didn't know a pimp when he saw one - if he thought I fit the description.
But I digress. To the point of this entry: Hizzoner then ordered that all my devices which could access the internet had to be monitored - at my expense. So they took me downstairs to pretrial where a reasonably attractive female officer of color asked what kind of computer I owned. "An iMac," I responded expecting some sort of recognition. With a puzzled look on her face, she asked "Is that an Apple product?" "Indeed, it is," I answered expecting to seal whatever deal I was sealing.
"Oh! We can't monitor Apple products. You'll have to bring your computer in and store it here until after your sentencing." I was rendered speechless. How can the federal government not be able to monitor a device manufactured by a company worth a trillion fucking dollars? You have to be kidding!
And so...the next day, I packed up my old iMac and humped it down to pretrial...where they logged it in and promised it would be ready and unharmed for my retrieval after sentencing. Way after sentencing as it turned out!
Four months later when I was finally sentenced, I returned to get my computer. No sale. "You get this back after your sentence is served." And...if I wanted to access the internet, I'd have to buy a new computer for them to monitor. What the fuck?!?! What's the point of that?
I flat out refused. "So how are you going to give us your financial records?" asked my officer. "I'll find a way, brother. I'm not going to buy another computer six weeks before I go in just because you all can't monitor an Apple product."
"If I catch you accessing the internet, you're going straight in the next day," he threatened. Nice guy. What he was saying was clear: Try logging into one of your accounts - all of which have been hacked by your friends in the federal government. See what happens.
I didn't log into any of my accounts. But I'll tell y'all...it got complicated arranging my year behind bars without the use of those accounts.
Almost a year and a half after surrendering my Imac, I returned to pretrial to find it there and unharmed. I'll give the Feds that. Of course, by the time I retrieved it, the old boy was just about obsolete - and barely worth the subway fare it cost to retrieve it.
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