FUCKING INMATES

"Fucking" the verb - not the adjective. And I mean literally fucking - as in having sex with an inmate. 

I live in an apartment building which features an elevator, laundry in the basement, and 40 studio units. Considered temporary housing (by yours truly) when I first rented the place after coming off a year on the road with a no-name band, I somehow find myself living in the same 225 square feet 46 years later!

Owing to the a general "mind your own business" New York City vibe, and my own aloofness, I really know just two of my fellow tenants despite being the senior tenant (in terms of age and how long I've been here) in the building. One is the old super (who still lives here) and one of the most abhorrent people I've ever met in my life. And the other is an early sixty-something black girl who has some acting credits and used to do nude modeling I'm sure due in some part to her sporting a huge chest. Sherry is much more to my liking than the old super.

Anyway, I gave her a call last night to say hi and offer some extra food I have in my busting-at-the-seams refrigerator. Down at the factory, I watch way too much perishable food rot before we give it away and as a result, don't like the idea of wasting food. This week we got an incredible pepper pack which contained gorgeous red, yellow and orange peppers (two of each). There's really no way I was going to consume all 6 of those juicy monsters before they rotted, so I gathered up those and some other stuff and brought them down to Sherry as a no-strings-attached gift.

When I surrendered to prison, Sherry checked on my apartment (to make sure the landlord wasn't trying to evict me while I was "away") and was generally supportive and helpful during the process. She's not a woman of wealth (though she does have a job as a security guard at a big building in Manhattan) and I knew she'd appreciate the free food. 

And so...I went downstairs with my care package and hung out for a while. Sherry likes prison stories (among other topics of conversation) and apropos of what I can't remember, she informed me that her cousin is a corrections officer somewhere in North Carolina. Asked whether she worked federal, state or county, Sherry did not know the answer. 

Out of nowhere, I then asked if her cousin had ever fucked an inmate, and her surprising answer was in the affirmative. Sherry then went on to describe the relationship and how her cousin actually managed to have sex with an inmate without getting caught. Apparently, the CO ripped a hole in the crotch of her uniform and the inmate would thrust his lance through the ripped fabric and into the promised land while she was in his cell. In the words of the old song..."Isn't it romantic?"

I can't imagine the event was anything but a desperate sprint. And exactly how much pleasure Sherry's cousin derived from the quicky would be hard to know. But the CO entertained fantasies of the two getting together after he was released even though he had a wife and children back in the "real" world. 

Predictably, the inmate went back to his family upon release and essentially, played Sherry's cousin during his incarceration. Not the first time somebody got fooled in a lustful liaison. Won't be the last.

People generally talk about tension between guards and inmates. And there's been a lot of debate and a policy change toward "give respect/get respect." I'm happy to say I experienced that at Rikers, the Tombs and MCC. On balance, the guards did not bully the inmates. The idea was to keep the peace. 

But while the traditional tension between guards and inmates wasn't really much in evidence, I did notice a fair amount of sexual tension. I didn't much like conversing with most of my fellow kitchen workers because the subjects of discussion generally centered around dealing drugs - or guns - or who they shot. You get the idea. But when the subject of which female CO you'd want to fuck came up, I was all in. And that's because there were some good-looking female CO's. Plus they were tough. A type which most ballsy criminal types can appreciate.

What people on the outside don't realize is CO's are inmates like the criminals they guard. They just aren't in jail all the time. But having worked the job for years and years (at least some of them), the accumulated hours they've spent inside gives them that inmate mentality. Which is why I've often said that if you dressed most guards in khakis, you'd never know they weren't criminals themselves. They just have co-opted the ways and mannerisms of the prisoners they hang with. 

And so it shouldn't come as a shock that sometimes, they view each other as equals - and sometimes, hormones rage and shit happens. It's only human. For her part, Sherry's cousin caught feelings for her inmate. She wasn't the first. And she won't be the last. 

So if you hear that some CO was fucking some inmate, simply nod your head in recognition. Bad boys and bad girls have their primal appeal. And just because one is wearing khakis or a jumper and the other a uniform means nothing when the chemistry is explosive. Sometimes love is hard to find in this world. And you grab it when you can, circumstances notwithstanding.