PAULIE'S UNDERWEAR

I was halfway through "The Pelican Brief" (the book - not the movie) when a quick passage tickled my funny bone. The President and one of his subordinates are considering their options regarding nominations for two vacant supreme court justice positions when the henchman reports "the FBI has checked his underwear and he's very clean."

THE PARIAH OF MCC

Unknown to many people who've never served time behind bars is the harsh reality that sex offenders - and particularly child molesters - are the most hated guys in prison. You'd think that murderers or muggers would head the list. But consider who's doing the judging and it begins to make sense.

TAX TIME BLUES

I don't know who (or which) is more inept. My accountant - or the IRS. I sent the former all my tax information in early March of this year. For whatever reason (certainly not at my direction), he filed my taxes on July 13th, 4 months after I'd sent him what he needed. When he finally did, the IRS website was suffering a traffic jam. As a result, I received an email from him when I arrived home from work on the 13th, instructing me to file my taxes old school - via the US mail!

THE TRUTH - THE WHOLE TRUTH - AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH

The very first day after coming out of prison, I called a friend/influential guy in the music business to announce my freedom. When I told him all about bunking with Paul Manafort and suicide watching Jeffrey Epstein, he fairly exploded that I had a story worth six figures - and that I should go to the Daily Mail or Enquirer to cash in. 

BLOWING HIS OWN HORN

I have an old friend who might be the least intelligent person I've ever counted among that exclusive club. We used to drive a cab from the same garage and have kept in touch for what is now over 30 years. It's a "for better or worse" bond I formed a long time ago.

Just a few days back, he was singing the praises of Tucker Carlson while telling me that Joe Biden will ruin the country if elected (as if Trump hasn't already done that) and requested I listen to Sean Hannity's upcoming interview with the president. It wasn't as if I didn't know what I'd hear - but I obliged anyway.

SHAWSHANK

I can't even count how many times I've seen all or pieces of the movie Shawshank Redemption. I can tell you that the first time I saw the film I hadn't as yet earned my first dollar selling ads to hookers - and was decades away from going to prison.

HANGIN' UP (Suicide Watch)

The following is a chapter from my upcoming (and as yet unsigned) book "Lifestyles of the Rich and Infamous (My Year At MCC Federal Prison).

EXCERPT...“So Jeffrey,” I baited my buddy after sitting down to watch the infamous pedophile for the next 4 hours. “Give me one anecdote that’s emblematic of Donald Trump’s essence.” I don’t know if it was the subject matter, his mood, or how I phrased the question that got him going. But Jeffrey was off and running.

“I got it,” he exclaimed enthusiastically. “Donald and I are on my private plane…flying from New York to Miami. And I have a French girl with me. Donald suggests we land in Atlantic City so we can show her his casino. I answer ’There’s no way we’re landing in AC. There’s nothing but white trash down there.’ The girl asks in her French accent ‘What is white trash. I don’t understand.’ And Trump chimes in ‘It’s me without money.’”

Unsolicited, he went into another anecdote. This one about Bill Clinton. “So Bill and I are walking down the street in Shanghai when a beautiful Chinese girl walks by. Bill turns to me and says...

SELF INTEREST OR THE GREATER GOOD

Front and center on congress's to do list is the decision concerning whether to extend the absurdly high unemployment benefits the fed is currently adding to state benefits as part of the CARES Act. When it comes to this issue, I lean toward the Republican point of view.

FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHTS MY ASS!

While I never objected to the federal government prosecuting me for tax fraud (because that was exactly my crime), there was a laundry list of ways they managed to offend me during the 5 + years I spent being preyed upon by prosecutors and the system.

Today, I'm only going to describe one manner in which I felt wounded by the government as I'm sure listing all would hold the attention of very few readers (y'all have things to do and lives to lead).

REHABILITATION, RECIDIVISM AND THE GRAND TOUR

In theory, prisons should perform the dual function of rehabilitating and deterring its convicts from becoming repeat offenders. Inmates would be trained with a skill to make an honest living once they get out. And prison life made uncomfortable enough to leave those subjected to it in search of a better way.

THE BIG IDEA

Once upon a time, an escort client needed new photos and posed the following question: "Billy! Are you a photographer - or do you just take pictures?" My answer was equally challenging. "I'm not really a photographer. But that doesn't mean I can't get a money-making shot a photographer will miss if I take your photos."

STATE FUMBLE

The New York State initiative which essentially sealed my fate and sent me to prison for almost a year, was an amazingly expensive, fruitless, botched and hypocritical pursuit. Allow me to elaborate on each adjective in order.

A BROKEN SYSTEM

I got up this morning at 3:30AM and decided to a) pay my rent...and b) fill out my federal probation report. Predictably, I was done with Clickpay (a private company) and my rent was paid in under one minute. But the probation report? Ah! The federal government. Never a dull or unfrustrating moment.

GOOD MONEY

While the people I deal with at Trinity Church (the "clients") are essentially the homeless, working poor, or sponging-off-the-system poor, it's not a given that they're criminals and/or ex-cons as well. But considering that the USA has 5% of the world's population but 25% of its incarcerated population, ya gotta figure there will have to be some jailbirds thrown into the mix.